I was enjoying a warm summer evening in July when there was a knock at the door. I had no premonition of bad news when I saw the police officer standing there until he started to speak. He said that my 40-year-old son was dead.
To this day I don’t remember the details of that evening – it was so chaotic. I spoke with family over the next few hours; they all live in other provinces. We were all so shocked at first, but over the next few days the realization of our loss started to sink in. Our focus was on making sure my young grandson had professional support to deal with his dad’s death.
For the first few months, I felt so sad and so alone. I couldn’t understand why this had happened and what I had missed. My son had served two tours in Bosnia, his first when he was only 19 years old. He was not the same person who’d left home a year earlier. In some ways he was much more grown up, in others he was troubled. But he insisted he was fine and volunteered for a second deployment the following year. Two members who’d been on that first deployment were at his funeral. They confirmed Trevor was indeed troubled by his experiences in Bosnia. They shared that they had suffered similar injuries and tried their best to get help for my son, but he would not agree to any kind of treatment.
I reached out to a local organization and was able to participate in a support group for suicide survivors. It was only a few weeks, but it was helpful to talk to people who had suffered the same kind of loss, and I learned some important self-care strategies.
Several months after his death I felt like I was, at least, managing things. I had set up a sleep schedule that helped me get a good night’s sleep. I tried to get out for a walk every day and I found ways to keep myself busy as a member of my condo board.
What I didn’t realize for several months was that I had replaced the sadness with anger. I was angry all the time. And then one day I saw a small ad for HOPE on Twitter. I contacted HOPE, originally to inquire about volunteering, and was first connected with a peer support person.
With the help of my peer supporter, I was able to recognize that I was stuck in my anger, and I had someone to talk freely about it with. Peer support was very different from the support group I’d attended early in my grief. Everyone in that group was in the same place, we’d all just lost a loved one and our grief was very fresh. I was talking to someone who’d been through what I was going through now and had moved past it. My peer supporter reassured me that I wasn’t always going to feel the way I was feeling right then.
As a HOPE volunteer, I’ve come to feel I’ve found a new purpose. My time with my peers reminds me of where I was and I can reflect on where I am now. I recognize I’m still grieving and accept that that will always be the case. I’ve changed a lot since Trevor’s death, his loss and my grief have changed me. I think I’m a little bit wiser, more empathetic and understanding and more patient; with myself and others.
For many years I asked why? And then agonized over trying to find the answer. I’ve accepted I’ll never have an answer to why, and that’s ok.
Deb McEwen — Mother of Corporal Trevor McEwen
