Reintegration
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Couples
- Expect to feel out of sync with each other at first. You both have been through separate experiences during the deployment and have changed as a result.
- Take time to get used to each other again. Re‐establishing emotional and physical intimacy is not easy after separation and/or stressful situations.
- Multi-sensory experiences together create memories that will last. When you are together again, plan date nights that are fun and multi-sensory: an escape room, a foodie restaurant tour, hiking or biking.
- You’ve both gotten used to doing what you wanted during personal time. Feeling like you need some space is normal. Be prepared to be flexible.
- Try not to be defensive when discussing decisions you have made, new family activities and customs or methods of disciplining the children.
- Set aside time to discuss what’s new and any changes that you experienced over the deployment.
- Be open to discussing family roles and responsibilities. The workload can be share but perhaps in a new way
- Family problems that existed before the deployment frequently reappear after the deployment.
- The service member may want to rest at home while the spouse may be eager to go out and socialize as a couple or get accumulated tasks done. Skillful compromise is useful to avoid hurt feelings.
- Healthy habits make a difference, so eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise. You’ll both be better able to manage heightened emotions when you are healthy.
- You will both change while you’re apart. Focus on positive change. Express pride in one another’s accomplishments and growth.
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Parenting
- During deployment, there will be changes in family dynamics and parenting strategies. Talk about the changes that took place so you can parent as an effective team when you are back together in person.
- Be prepared for children to have outbursts of emotion or resist “parenting” from the returning family member.
- Children generally are excited about a reunion with their returning parent. However, the excitement of the reunion is stressful for children. Children may need a period of time to warm up and readjust to the returning parent. This should not be misinterpreted or taken personally.
- It can take months and even years for families to fully reintegrate after a deployment. During this time, it is important that parents slowly and naturally reestablish family connections.
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Single Parents
Coming home after a deployment can be especially challenging for single parents. Single parents may feel anxious about the bond their children formed with the caregiver. The parent may also be concerned about strengthening their own bond with their children. To make this transition easier, single parents can:
- Involve the caregiver in the transition.
- Communicate openly and frequently with the caregiver and your children.
- Your children most likely formed a strong bond with the caregiver while you were gone and keeping your children in touch with the caregiver will help ease the separation.
- If the caregiver lives far away, call with updates on how you and your children are doing.
- Ask how things were done while you were gone. Learn about routines, rules and discipline methods that the caregiver established. Try to integrate this information back in your own rules and schedules to ease the transition.
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Understanding the Returning Family Member
- The deployment involved the loss of many comforts that people back home take for granted.
- The deployment involved hard work and enormous responsibility. If in a war zone, there was the constant threat of loss of life or injury. The family member may have witnessed injuries, deaths and destruction.
- The returning family member may seem preoccupied with the experience of their deployment. They may be unable to talk about it or may excessively talk about it.
- The returning family member may have suffered physical or emotional injury or disability.
- The returning family member may expect extra attention and support for some time after their return.
- The service member may need time to adjust to the local time zone, home cooking, noises of home, etc. It is normal to have some difficulty sleeping through the night.
- The returning service member should remember that he or she has probably not driven a personal automobile for some time, and may need to refresh their skills slowly.
- Reassure your partner that he or she is needed, even though you’ve coped during the deployment
- Traumatic events involving direct combat or non-combat can sometimes lead to behavior changes or even development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), moral injury or both. If you begin to feel something is “not right” or the process of reintegration seems to be taking too long, please consult a professional immediately.
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Understanding the Adult that Stayed at Home
- Life has gone on and the adult at home has had to keep the family moving forward during the deployment. They may have had to take over many functions normally performed by the deployed family member and may expect the returning family members to automatically accept the family as it now exists and begin to perform a role with which they are uncomfortable or unfamiliar.
- Often the adult at home has handled many small and not so small crises. These problems are old news at home but may be big surprises for the returning family member.
- The adult at home may expect extra attention and credit regarding their performance during the deployment.
- Family problems that existed before the deployment frequently reappear after the deployment.
- It is not uncommon to experience a homecoming letdown. Reality rarely equals our fantasy of how life will be after reunion. Stay flexible and keep expectations reasonable.
- The adult at home may want to stay involved in their own activities and interests so you may need to be flexible about time with your partner.
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Communication
- Over-communicate rather than under-communicate.
- Open discussion of expectations prior to the return home are helpful if they are possible.
- Start a conversation with your service member to let them know you are interested in hearing about their experiences and feelings, but also understand if he or she doesn't feel like talking
- Talk with your partner.Tell your partner how you feel and listen to your partner in return.
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Finances
- Returning service members may have accumulated a significant amount of money while deployed. Upon return, the initial urge is to spend the money with abandon. Be careful and consider formulating a plan to use the money wisely as the extra money saved during deployment may be needed later for unexpected household expenses.
- When planning for deployment and reintegration, remember to discuss finances and budget needs and limitations.
- Decide together about large purchases after deployment.
- Stick to your household budget.
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Family and Friends
Chances are good that well-meaning family and friends will want to celebrate the return of their loved one from a deployment that took them away from home. Smaller and shorter gatherings may be a better option to allow everyone a chance to celebrate and have quality time together.
- Decide together when to invite your parents or other family and friends to come visit after deployment. Consider taking time to reconnect as an immediate family before inviting more people to the mix.
- Extended family members such as grandparents, aunts and uncles may have provided support and service to the family during the deployment. They may have difficulty redefining their role with the family.
- Including one-on-one time with each member of the family and closest friends can help everyone feel more comfortable.
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Reservists
- The returning family member will have to adjust to resuming their previous job or another similar job at the same company.
- For some recently returning Service Members, they may find themselves behind a desk in as little as three days after leaving a combat zone.
- Returning to the job may include a period of catching up, learning new skills, or adjusting to a new position. It will also include adjusting to social changes that may have occurred in the workplace.
- During the transition back to work, some individuals also experience worry and fear about their financial or employment future.
- After a high regimented deployment those making the transition often find the lack of structure as well as the multitude of choices in everyday life a challenge to adjust to.
- In the military basics are provided but often there is little choice of “when, where and what”. Meals are served at specific times at specific places, duty station determines one’s dress, medical services are provided by specific doctors and medical centers as well as many other daily small decisions that suddenly a veteran will need to consider. The lack of choices in the military versus the vast array in the civilian world can be overwhelming.
