Parenting Approaches and Best Practices: Talking to Children about War
by Andrea Liss
Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our newsletter. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ
Dear OUTCAN Community,
Whether you are a parent, uncle, teacher, or carer of children, children want to know about war and have thoughts and feelings about it. They have questions and sometimes have worries. It can be hard to know how to approach this subject with children. You may be asking yourself: “Do I tell the truth? What can my child handle? What do they need to know”? This article is part of a larger series of parenting materials that I am working on that will provide CAF families with information on how to manage OUTCAN evacuations and family conversations about political conflict. This article presents nine tips that I distilled from child trauma and parenting best practices literature. This information will be reviewed in greater detail in the parenting materials I am preparing so stay tuned. But let’s get the conversation going...
Children See and Hear the News, Rarely by Choice
Images and stories of conflict can really take their toll on a child. An innocent OUTCAN trip often involves gathering at the airport where TVs broadcast news stories and images that can’t be unseen. Also, as engaged citizens, we check the news before we go off to work which can involve our children’s vicarious ingestion of media, if not visually, then by sound. Despite all the vicarious consumption of information, parents and caregivers may believe that overtly talking about such topics is harmful. This is not true. In fact, it’s the opposite and talking about it has many protective benefits. Guided conversation, avoidance of avoidance, and monitoring exposure are the top tips for how to manage war news with your children. Here is what you can try- keep in mind age-appropriateness.
Validate Feelings
When a child says “I’m worried about the families in Ukraine not getting enough food” our default response can often be “Oh, don’t worry. It will all sort itself out”. We say this out of our aim to help. However, ironically, this can do the opposite. It is more soothing for a child to hear “Yes, that’s a realistic worry. I worry about that too. Lots of kids your age are having that same worry too. You are not alone”. Validation of feelings helps children with their confidence as it reassures them that their feelings make sense.
Use Simple Honesty
As in the example above, it’s important to be truthful while also keeping in mind not to overwhelm your child. Like one CAF dad recently told me, when your child asks “What are those loud sounds up in the sky” you can say to a child age 6-11 “Those are missiles that are helping protect the sky”. Our calm and confident explanation can often be enough.
Limit Exposure
News watching is not necessary for young children. They get enough through vicarious ingestion. Interested teens can be instructed to watch the news with a trusted adult. It’s best to consider news an “Adult Accompaniment (AA)” activity. An adult must be present so that they can soothe an overwhelmed child, help titrate the quantity of news being ingested, and be there to teach and correct.
Invite Inquiry
When a war topic is raised, ask your child “What do you think about this”? If they are very young, you can ask “When you saw that on the news, how did it feel in your body”? followed by “What was that like to feel that”? This models normalization of thoughts and feelings and is a well-check on your child. Inviting inquiry normalizes discussion of a scary topic and promotes curiosity.
Educate
If your child spontaneously mentions incorrect information, ask your child “Where did you come to learn this”? This can then be an opportunity for fact checking and doing one’s homework. Tying in an age-appropriate explanation of why the CAF exists and what it is can promote experiential learning (more on this below).
Promote Agency
War is senseless and children are inherently aware of this. At a primal level, children, especially if they are high in conscientiousness, may feel helpless to do anything about war. Empowering children can take several forms including explaining why voting matters, making a financial donation to a war support organization from your child’s own piggy bank, and writing to elected officials.
Identify Helpers
Due to intense feelings of powerlessness that children can experience when they learn about war, tying in your role in the military can help your child to increase their sense of agency. Despite it all, there are always people who care. As a CAF family, national and global problem resolution is your raison d’être. This is a great opportunity to talk about the responsibilities and sworn obligations of a Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) family. Other helpers that you and your child can seek out information on include Médecins Sans Frontières and the Red Cross.
Emphasize Safety/Security/Protocol
When your child is frightened about safety, it’s important for your child to know that even in war, there are rules. Reminding your child that safety and procedures are always top priority can be informative and reassuring. This is especially true if a CAF member goes away on training or deployment.
Lead With Calm
The goal in conversations about war, evacuations, and conflict is for your child to feel emotionally secured by you while you are teaching them about a heavy topic. Tone is more important than content.
Thank You!
I hope you have found this article useful. Do drop me a line with your input about it and the resource video below. liss.andrea@cfmws.com. Keep up the great work OUTCAN parents!
Talking to Children about War and Conflict, UK Trauma Council/Anna Freud Centre - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HVIpLLIBdY
Andrea holds a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She is the MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker, supporting CAF families navigating life abroad. If you’re a CAF family member and would like to connect with Andrea one‑on‑one or join the OUTCAN spousal support group she facilitates, you’re welcome to reach out by email at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.
Support is also available in your OUTCAN area. If you or your family would benefit from speaking with a social worker during your OUTCAN posting, we encourage you to contact your regional CFMWS Social Worker:
USA: Marion Hall — hall.marion@cfmws.com
Europe: MFSSocialwork@cfmws.com
Global / Rest of World: Andrea Liss — liss.andrea@cfmws.com
Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our newsletter. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://forms.office.com/r/F3rxQKvTdQ
Dear OUTCAN Community,
Whether you are a parent, uncle, teacher, or carer of children, children want to know about war and have thoughts and feelings about it. They have questions and sometimes have worries. It can be hard to know how to approach this subject with children. You may be asking yourself: “Do I tell the truth? What can my child handle? What do they need to know”? This article is part of a larger series of parenting materials that I am working on that will provide CAF families with information on how to manage OUTCAN evacuations and family conversations about political conflict. This article presents nine tips that I distilled from child trauma and parenting best practices literature. This information will be reviewed in greater detail in the parenting materials I am preparing so stay tuned. But let’s get the conversation going...
Children See and Hear the News, Rarely by Choice
Images and stories of conflict can really take their toll on a child. An innocent OUTCAN trip often involves gathering at the airport where TVs broadcast news stories and images that can’t be unseen. Also, as engaged citizens, we check the news before we go off to work which can involve our children’s vicarious ingestion of media, if not visually, then by sound. Despite all the vicarious consumption of information, parents and caregivers may believe that overtly talking about such topics is harmful. This is not true. In fact, it’s the opposite and talking about it has many protective benefits. Guided conversation, avoidance of avoidance, and monitoring exposure are the top tips for how to manage war news with your children. Here is what you can try- keep in mind age-appropriateness.
Validate Feelings
When a child says “I’m worried about the families in Ukraine not getting enough food” our default response can often be “Oh, don’t worry. It will all sort itself out”. We say this out of our aim to help. However, ironically, this can do the opposite. It is more soothing for a child to hear “Yes, that’s a realistic worry. I worry about that too. Lots of kids your age are having that same worry too. You are not alone”. Validation of feelings helps children with their confidence as it reassures them that their feelings make sense.
Use Simple Honesty
As in the example above, it’s important to be truthful while also keeping in mind not to overwhelm your child. Like one CAF dad recently told me, when your child asks “What are those loud sounds up in the sky” you can say to a child age 6-11 “Those are missiles that are helping protect the sky”. Our calm and confident explanation can often be enough.
Limit Exposure
News watching is not necessary for young children. They get enough through vicarious ingestion. Interested teens can be instructed to watch the news with a trusted adult. It’s best to consider news an “Adult Accompaniment (AA)” activity. An adult must be present so that they can soothe an overwhelmed child, help titrate the quantity of news being ingested, and be there to teach and correct.
Invite Inquiry
When a war topic is raised, ask your child “What do you think about this”? If they are very young, you can ask “When you saw that on the news, how did it feel in your body”? followed by “What was that like to feel that”? This models normalization of thoughts and feelings and is a well-check on your child. Inviting inquiry normalizes discussion of a scary topic and promotes curiosity.
Educate
If your child spontaneously mentions incorrect information, ask your child “Where did you come to learn this”? This can then be an opportunity for fact checking and doing one’s homework. Tying in an age-appropriate explanation of why the CAF exists and what it is can promote experiential learning (more on this below).
Promote Agency
War is senseless and children are inherently aware of this. At a primal level, children, especially if they are high in conscientiousness, may feel helpless to do anything about war. Empowering children can take several forms including explaining why voting matters, making a financial donation to a war support organization from your child’s own piggy bank, and writing to elected officials.
Identify Helpers
Due to intense feelings of powerlessness that children can experience when they learn about war, tying in your role in the military can help your child to increase their sense of agency. Despite it all, there are always people who care. As a CAF family, national and global problem resolution is your raison d’être. This is a great opportunity to talk about the responsibilities and sworn obligations of a Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) family. Other helpers that you and your child can seek out information on include Médecins Sans Frontières and the Red Cross.
Emphasize Safety/Security/Protocol
When your child is frightened about safety, it’s important for your child to know that even in war, there are rules. Reminding your child that safety and procedures are always top priority can be informative and reassuring. This is especially true if a CAF member goes away on training or deployment.
Lead With Calm
The goal in conversations about war, evacuations, and conflict is for your child to feel emotionally secured by you while you are teaching them about a heavy topic. Tone is more important than content.
Thank You!
I hope you have found this article useful. Do drop me a line with your input about it and the resource video below. liss.andrea@cfmws.com. Keep up the great work OUTCAN parents!
Talking to Children about War and Conflict, UK Trauma Council/Anna Freud Centre - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HVIpLLIBdY
Andrea holds a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She is the MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker, supporting CAF families navigating life abroad. If you’re a CAF family member and would like to connect with Andrea one‑on‑one or join the OUTCAN spousal support group she facilitates, you’re welcome to reach out by email at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.
Support is also available in your OUTCAN area. If you or your family would benefit from speaking with a social worker during your OUTCAN posting, we encourage you to contact your regional CFMWS Social Worker:
USA: Marion Hall — hall.marion@cfmws.com
Europe: MFSSocialwork@cfmws.com
Global / Rest of World: Andrea Liss — liss.andrea@cfmws.com
