The emotional cycle of deployment

Up to 6 weeks before a parent’s departure, children and youth will start to experience the stage described as the anticipation of loss. Younger children and youth can feel confusion, surprise, guilt, and even anger at the leaving member, or it can sometimes be directed at the parent who will stay behind. This can come out as irritability, dependence, or other attention-seeking behaviour. Some children can even have sleep and appetite problems or other physical complaints like stomach aches and headaches.

During this time, young children who have difficulty understanding time can feel confused about what is happening. Older children will need time to adapt to the coming change. Children may ask questions of their parent such as, “Do you really have to go?” Some children (and other family members) may begin to put some emotional distance between themselves and the leaving parent in preparation for their absence. Children and youth can best cope during this stage when they are encouraged to feel and express all their emotional responses.

In the final week before the member leaves, family members may go into a state of detachment and withdrawal. As the departure date gets closer, the member becomes focused on preparing for their mission and may start to distance themselves from family members. The family also begins distancing themselves and, in terms of day-to-day routines, may act like they are already gone. 
 
As a result, communication can become strained. In some cases, arguments may increase as each person prepares to protect themselves from the hurt of separation.

For some people, this is the most difficult stage of the deployment cycle. Adults in the family can be going through intense feelings of despair and impatience, with the remaining parent often feeling angry or resentful, and the departing member feeling guilt and worry. When children sense their parents’ stress, it is natural to act out. Reactions might include having more tantrums or showing regressive behaviours.

Again, open communication during this time is key to helping children and youth accept their feelings as normal reactions to challenging circumstances.

Immediately after the member’s departure, families may experience emotional disorganization. The absence of the member may leave the rest of the family confused for a time. Families talk about disturbances in their sleep and appetite, increased irritability, and an overall sense of being disorganized and indecisive. Some describe this as a period of restlessness.

In many families, when one parent is gone, routines change out of necessity and everyone has to take on added responsibilities. It is not uncommon for family members to feel overwhelmed and cycle through a range of feelings during this time. Children and youth can have feelings of sadness, abandonment, anxiety, confusion, and even reduced self-esteem. Sometimes, as children and youth are adjusting, they may be irritable or have trouble concentrating. These reactions are very normal and will likely settle down over time.

During this stage, it often helps to try and maintain routines as much as possible. While this isn’t always possible, keeping some familiarity through friendships and extra-curricular activities can be a comfort to children and youth. You can also encourage them to express their feelings and stay in touch with their absent parent through letters, photos, and cards.

At a certain point during a long deployment, families start to settle into their new roles and responsibilities and find a way to manage while the member is away. Although the spouse/partner continues to worry and miss their loved one, the family finds a way to cope. At this point, families enter the recovery and stabilization stage.

There is usually a mix of positive and challenging responses for the whole family. Some children and youth find that they enjoy their newfound responsibilities and find a sense of independence and great relief that the family is okay. Others may continue to have difficulty accepting the new changes.

As a trusted adult in the child’s life, you can expect that there will be some slowdown of normal activities such as homework or training. Support them by listening and being willing to talk. There may be some outbursts from time-to-time, but children and youth should be supported to express their feelings in healthy and appropriate ways.

A few weeks before the member comes home, children and youth will likely feel both excitement and apprehension in the anticipation of homecoming. The family may have a boost in energy as they begin to make preparations for the return of the deployed parent. It is common to feel overwhelmed by the things to be done to get ready. Again, this can be a time of mixed feelings. Children and youth may be relieved that their parent will finally be coming home, but also worried about whether or not they will be the same and what it will be like to have them home. If the member came home on leave during the deployment, that experience may affect how the family members expect homecoming to be, whether good or bad.

During this time of mixed emotions, there are some ways to support military-connected children and youth:

• Talk to them about what is going on within the family and openly listen to what they say about the upcoming homecoming.
• Remind them that their feelings are a normal, natural response to a big change, and that there are no “perfect” homecomings. Both the absent parent and the family members at home will have changed during the deployment and it will take time to adjust to those changes.
• Think positively! Help them to use this time to think about what expectations for homecoming they may have. Determine which ones are realistic and which ones may need adjusting.

Just as it is difficult to adjust to a new routine when a parent leaves, it is equally difficult to readjust when they return home. Families become used to their new routines and may hesitate to change their schedule. The excitement of the initial reunion can be joyful; however, the adjustment period can be difficult in the days and weeks to follow when everyone has to figure out the roles, responsibilities, and relationships in the household again. Most families find this stage quite stressful. The at-home parent may have become more independent. There may be new household rules. Returning members must find a way to re-establish their roles within the new family structure. The family begins to recognize that everyone has changed during the deployment. Families must work together to build a new “normal.”

It takes some time (usually four to six weeks) for feelings of closeness in the family to reappear. Attempts to reconnect can be overwhelming at times, and children will need some time and space to adjust. Children and youth can be reminded that getting to know one another again does not happen all at once but gradually, and it is normal to hit some rough patches. Relationships cannot be forced and can take longer to develop in some cases.

As routines shift, family members will begin to feel more relaxed and eventually move into the final stage of reintegration and stabilization. This final stage of the deployment cycle usually starts around two to six months after the member returns. The family begins to feel a “new normal” in their routines and expectations and can feel secure, relaxed, and more comfortable with one another again. Children start to feel more confident in the family relationships and regain a sense of closeness with the returned parent.

Still, even as family members are reconnecting, emotions can remain mixed, and problems can still come up. If children and youth are having a difficult time adjusting, it is important to recognize when additional help may be needed. Families should be encouraged to reach out for additional support from teachers, Family Information Line, child care providers, local MFRC staff, and other important adults in the child’s life.