Margit Simon - Mother of Private Jason Renato Simon

I will never forget receiving the most devastating phone call from our daughter on February 15, 2016. She cried out three heartbreaking words "THEY FOUND HIM." Our precious middle child, Jason, passed away from suicide at the very young age of 20 years 4 months and 5 days. All I remember is falling to the floor and screaming. Our youngest son was home with me and tried to pick me up but I couldn't let go of his leg and just kept screaming. 

We had tried calling and texting Jason since the day before. The last phone call I had with him was the day before, five minutes in the morning, as he tested his new phone number. He sounded okay, even asked me to put a care package together and send it to him. After that, nothing. 

We didn't know Jason was struggling until the end of January. When he called and told me he felt suicidal the day before, I offered to drive up to Ottawa where he lived. He said he was okay and we would see him soon anyway, during reading week. The very next day on January 31 his best friend and soulmate, Bri called me and said I should come to Ottawa right away. Jason had tried to take his life. I drove nine hours to get to the hospital. I spent time with Jason in the hospital and afterwards at home with him. He said he felt better and things were looking up for him at school and with his military unit. He had lots of support and plans for his future, including graduating university so he could join the Regular Force. He made plans with his friends to take a road trip to the West coast that summer. He chose a car he wanted to buy. After graduating he was going to take me on a D-Day trip to Europe.

I felt so broken by the loss and the pain. My whole life is my children. I was now facing an unknown future that I could have never prepared for. Our lives as we knew them were gone. How could I go on? I couldn't imagine getting through the unimaginable loss. I wasn't able to sleep, eat or focus on anything. Of course, it affected my personal life, which is very painful to this day, and also my professional life which I couldn't have cared less about at the time. I actually left my job and never looked back. 

My faith was shaken to the core, but I never lost it. I had and still have many questions as to why we had to lose our son. And then there was the self-blame, how as a Mother didn't I know or feel what was going to happen? My only job and responsibility is to protect my children from any harm and danger and I failed!! I still beat myself up for not knowing Jason was suffering so badly! 

The very first ray of hope for me was from another military mom who lost her son in Afghanistan. She called me a couple of weeks after our Jason passed away. Of course I didn't believe her when she said it would change, the pain wouldn't be raw forever. She told me I would be able to get up every morning and, little by little, be able to face each day. Her weekly phone calls were my lifeline. Even though we lost our sons in totally different ways, she never made me feel that our loss was any less than hers. 

As a mother, I felt not just support from others, but judgement as well. Some so-called friends commented on how we could have left Jason in Ottawa. They said had it been their own child they would have never left and they would have saved him. What they didn't know or ignored, was that we were always there, a phone call away, and we came to visit many times. Had I known this would happen I would have never left Jason's side! But people don't understand.

Jason told me at the hospital that it wouldn't have mattered if I was in the next house or even in the next room! When the darkness came he felt there was no way out of it and the only thing that mattered in that moment was ending the painful and scary darkness.

Then there were the strangers who spread the well-known stigma and shame about suicide. What they said was very painful! Without knowing our son, they called him, selfish, weak, a coward! Our Jason was none of those! He was a genuine and giving person. He always helped others without judgement. And as I told some people who judged him, he was not a coward. Jason was a very brave soul! I call him our Hero. Now my husband and I do everything in our power to help others understand mental illness, that it is like any other illness and the stigma must be removed. Hopefully we will help to save others.

Even family members couldn't understand, making very painful comments and lying to others about what happened. My best friend of over 30 years disappeared after she found out how Jason passed away, but that was not the case with our military family. From Jason's unit, my HOPE Mom (as I called my peer helper), as well as the HOPE program and from strangers all across Canada, we received the most respectful and love filled support. I'm sure I wouldn't be where I am today without them! I call this our Jason's last gift to us. He knew we would always be supported and protected by our military family. And we will be forever thankful for that.

Now it's my turn to help other Moms who have lost their child. When I call them the first time and they tell me about their loss, I hear myself in their story. It is heartbreaking. But as my HOPE Mom told me, I tell my peers “The pain will be different as time goes on. Please let me help you and give it a try. Together we can walk the path of grief and help each other to see the light”. I'm so very proud of them as they begin to make progress and can share not only the painful memories but the funny and cute ones too. And they are able to smile and laugh again.

Our lives were shattered on that fateful day, but we are doing our best to show other families there is HOPE and that they don’t have to go through this alone.

Margit Simon - Mother of Private Jason Renato Simon