Letting go: the hardest and best decision one can take

The feeling of success is one that most people spend their entire life chasing. It is sometimes hard to draw the line and to realise you are pushing yourself further than you should. Seeing clearly can be hard when you’re spiralling.

Little miss perfect

I was the calmest, most people-pleasing little girl one could ever imagine. Nobody had ever seen a person so willing to please everybody. I became my class's best reader just so my teacher would congratulate me. I learned my multiplication tables by heart in the hopes that somebody would ask me if I knew them, and I could answer I did. Being told I was the best just felt so good. Even as a little girl, I prided myself in pushing my limits. This is me climbing a ladder despite my fear of heights.I cried when I lost my elementary school’s spelling bee. I felt like a failure at the grand old age of 7. Doesn’t that foreshadow such wonderful things for a child?

Starting high school, I was determined to make myself the best there as well. Whatever it took. I did homework and studied more than 20 hours a week. Way past what any exam actually required. I got stuck into an exhausting cycle. I would work and study and work until I felt like it was acceptable for me to stop, to then have a brief moment where I felt successful before starting over again. I never let myself stop. The contemplation of all the work that had to be done threw me around and drowned me like a storm at sea.

The storm

At work. At school. I could always be better. My grades could be higher. I could work harder at my job. I could even land that scholarship. If I could just work harder! Stop sleeping. Lose my hair. Who cares! 

That gold star on my report card looks good, right? Let’s make sure my teachers keep putting them there. Those pats on the back don’t just happen. I have to make them happen. I must make them happen! Because what else do I have? A life? Right! I shouldn’t kid myself. I sacrificed everything for this anyway. Might as well make the most of it while I’m at the top.

I mean, deep down, I know this isn’t sustainable. I can’t keep this up. I’ve barely been in school for a decade, and I already feel a burnout coming my way. I still have half a century before my retirement. That’s depressing. Why am I thinking about retirement? I’m only 15. Oh God. 

The contemplation of all the work that had to be done threw me around and drowned me like a storm at sea.

There had to be change

Is that what my life will be like? Forever waiting for the moment when I'll finally be at peace. When I won’t care about people’s expectations. When being the best will only be an afterthought. I can’t keep waiting for something to happen. I have to make it happen. I must make it happen! Because who else will? There must be more to life. 

When I looked down at my hands full of fallen out hair, I felt disgusted at myself. I had been so stressed that my body had started attacking itself. I had done this. That was the moment that the full weight of where I was trying to lead my life hit me square in the face. I was so obsessed with being the best that I was hurting myself. 

I almost felt unreasonable. How could someone who had had everything and been so supported end up like this? I had been so focused on what could happen tomorrow that I forgot to enjoy today. I couldn’t just wait, and hope life would become more fun later. Life is now. I’m here now. I must live now. 

Life can be pretty

There is more to life. That is what I have learned. Time goes by fast and can never be bought back. Some could take this as just another reason as to why they must keep working at an unimaginable pace, but I choose to see it differently. Enjoying the sight of nature has become one of my favourite and most relaxing pastimes.  

I now choose to stop and look at flowers while I’m going somewhere. I choose to enjoy the sun on my face. I choose to read that book that’s been sitting on my bookshelf, and that I've been waiting for the perfect moment to read. I choose to dance to the music in the grocery store, and to ignore those who judge me for it. I choose to spend hours crocheting a cardigan when I could’ve bought one instead. Just because it makes me happy. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am still the same girl. I still like the feeling of success, and I still enjoy investing time and energy in my projects. But I had to make a choice. I decided to accept that my grades would drop by 5% to protect myself, and I would make that same decision every day if I had to.

I chose to be happy. Life is void of pleasure if you don’t let yourself experience it. There is no use in postponing what could make you happy. I now choose to read that book, to tell that stranger that their shoes are nice, and to wear that outrageously colourful piece of clothing. I now choose to make decisions that will make me happy.

I’ve decided that the perfect time to be happy is now.