Intimate Relationships Continuum and Chart

	HEALTHY	STRESSED	UNHEALTHY	ABUSIVE
How does the  relationship feel?	Secure  Safe  Comfortable	Unsettled  Uncertain	Insecure  Hyper-vigilant	Unsafe  Fearful
How do we talk to  each other?	Respectfully  Active listening	Ignoring opinions  Cold or distant	Harsh comments  Mocking  Isolating or avoiding  Disrespectfully	Intimidating  Belittling  Name-calling
How do we treat  each other?	Encouraging  Caring for self  Supporting dreams	Ignoring  Discouraging	Demeaning  Controlling  Rejecting	Manipulating  Hurtful  Ridiculing
How are we intimate  with each other?	Consensual  Mutual fulfillment  No pressure	No clear consent  Passive manipulating	Guilt  Coercion  Degrading and shame	Nonconsensual Violence and force
How is our social life and network?	Network of friends  and family  Pursuing own interests	Tense with friends and family  Withdrawing from social situations  Questioning whereabouts	Friends and family are concerned  Avoiding social interactions  Isolating from friends  Surveilling (social media, in-person)	Preventing social engagements  Family and friends feel unsafe
How does our family get along?	Secure attachment  Involvement in each  other’s lives  Strong and clear  boundaries	Limited engagement and time for family  Inconsistent parenting	Tension  Comparing and criticizing children  Uninvolved in each other’s lives	Scolding and intimidation  Harsh verbal punishment  Physical punishment
How do we handle  money issues?	Sharing financial resources and decisions  Transparency	One-sided financial decisions and spending  Scrutinizing spending	Restricting spending  Limiting/not sharing financial information	Moving money to prevent access  Blocking access
How do we  show anger?	Talking out problems  Taking a break	Yelling  Silent treatment	Indirect violence (breaking things, destroying property, slamming doors) Threatening violence (property, pets)	Direct violence (shoving, grabbing, shaking, hitting)  Harming pets

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This chart helps Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) personnel and families reflect on their relationship experiences by considering actions, feelings, and patterns across healthy, stressed, unhealthy, and abusive behaviours in relationships.

• If you are a youth, please consult our specific tip sheets designed just for teens.
• Reflection can help you make choices that feel safer and are more supportive for yourself, and the broader military community. These examples are just a starting point and may not all be relevant for you. They are intended to prompt reflection and open conversations about what is working well in your relationship and where there may be challenges.
• This tool supports reflection and prevention and highlights relevant Military Family Resource Center (MFRC) and Military Family Services (MFS) services, such as the Family Information Line (FIL).
• If your experiences feel unhealthy or abusive, connecting with support services can help you explore options and move toward greater safety and well-being.
• If you are in immediate danger, contact 911 in Canada or your local authorities for OUTCAN

	HEALTHY	STRESSED	UNHEALTHY	ABUSIVE
How do we communicate?	With honesty and transparency to build trust. Use agreed ways to communicate (email, text, phone).	Being selective with the truth. Can’t help reaching out by text, phone, email, etc., to argue or vent.	Dishonesty/lying. Ignore or break agreed communication rules.	Using lies to manipulate and control. Harassment and stalking through persistent messages by email, text, or social media that make someone feel pressured or afraid.
How do we seek support from others?	Respecting each other’s need for outside perspectives and help. Accessing the MFRC, FIL, MFS service providers, CAF services (counselling, chaplaincy services) or speaking to family and friends.	Feeling hesitant or fearful about saying support is needed/wanted. Isolating from family and friends.	Mocking or minimizing for wanting support. Turning to self-destructive coping mechanisms (substance misuse, neglecting health).	Spreading negative/incorrect information to peers in the unit or spouse group to intentionally harm (ex) partner's reputation. Blocking a (ex)partner’s ability to reach out for support, making threats for seeking support or weaponizing support systems.
How do we support dependents in the separation?	Parents reassure children they are loved and are not to blame for their relationship issues. Prioritize arrangements around pets that acknowledge the needs of each partner’s relationship to the pet.	Arguing about children in front of them or when they can hear. Expect that pets are not shared in the separation.	Speaking badly about the other parent or asking children to take sides. Ignoring request to visit a pet.	Asking children to “spy” on the other parent or convey an abusive message. Intentionally restricting or blocking access to a pet.
How do we respect expectations and boundaries during the separation?	Listening to requests to take a break in a heated conversation. Using a neutral third party when needed.	Following and continuing an argument when one walks away to get some space. Not following directions considered fair under the law or agreed with the third party.	Harassing an (ex)partner in an argument until they are forced to respond. Using complicated and expensive legal processes to delay separation/divorce proceedings as a control mechanism.	Physically blocking the (ex)partner’s attempts to walk away from an argument. Using fear and control tactics to keep the (ex)partner engaged and prevent them from moving forward.

PDF

This chart helps Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) personnel and families reflect on their relationship experiences by considering actions, feelings, and patterns across healthy, stressed, unhealthy, and abusive behaviours in relationships.

• If you are a youth, please consult our specific tip sheets designed just for teens.
• Reflection can help you make choices that feel safer and are more supportive for yourself, and the broader military community. These examples are just a starting point and may not all be relevant for you. They are intended to prompt reflection and open conversations about what is working well in your relationship and where there may be challenges.
• This tool supports reflection and prevention and highlights relevant Military Family Resource Center (MFRC) and Military Family Services (MFS) services, such as the Family Information Line (FIL).
• If your experiences feel unhealthy or abusive, connecting with support services can help you explore options and move ntoward greater safety and well-being.
• If you are in immediate danger, contact 911 in Canada or your local authorities for OUTCAN.

	HEALTHY	STRESSED	UNHEALTHY	ABUSIVE
How do we communicate?	Being on the same page about the frequency of communication. Trusting each other to openly discuss responsibilities, feelings, and roles including jealousy or resentment, especially during operational absences.	Ignoring messages or frequently dismissing them or answering with one-word replies. Demanding an immediate response when it may not be possible.	Intentionally “ghosting” during operational absences. Accusing and blaming the partner for lack of responses, without cause.	Preventing access to digital devices like cell phones and computers to control online communication. Surveilling or asking others to track a partner’s online activity or whereabouts, especially during operational absences.
How do we respect digital preferences?	Behaving in accordance with each other’s preferences and digital communications boundaries. Respecting time away from devices and means of communicating if required for personal or operational reasons.	Arguing and not accepting digital preferences. Picking fights when a partner is not available online.	Following through on digital preferences or expectations when it is convenient. Bombarding partner with messages/calls when feeling anxious during time apart.	Deliberately going against a partner’s digital preferences as a form of control. Repeatedly contacting a member’s chain of command or a partner’s workplace for non-emergent reasons, or to undermine their job.
How do we handle time offline?	Jointly identifying ways to stay connected during absences that are not necessarily digital, e.g., letters/mementos/pictures.	Sporadically making efforts to engage in the relationship when separated due to an operational absence.	Living as if you are not in a relationship during an operational absence, avoiding emotional connection or consideration for one’s partner.	Deliberately and inappropriately using deployment status as an excuse to not communicate/avoid responding to messages.
How do we respect digital privacy?	Having an open and continuing conversation of what each person requires and prefers regarding their digital privacy. Respecting the partner’s privacy and information that is stored in a digital space.	Not checking in before posting/uploading images or stories online. Asking to have access to all online accounts without cause.	Posting/uploading information or images online that you know will cause distress to your partner. Reviewing or surveilling a partner’s digital footprint.	Sharing or posting/uploading images of a partner without their consent and using it against them. Accessing private accounts without permission and using information against their partner.
How do we handle intimacy online?	Openly discussing preferences and boundaries around intimacy online, including for periods of operational absences.	Disregarding preferences for handling intimacy in digital ways.	Pressuring online intimacy such as images when a partner is not comfortable.	Threatening to or sharing intimate messages/images without consent to control actions.

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This chart helps Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) personnel and families reflect on their relationship experiences by considering actions, feelings, and patterns across healthy, stressed, unhealthy, and abusive behaviours in relationships.
Examples are included to help shape your understanding of healthy and unhealthy expectations. These examples are just some suggestions to help you reflect. You are encouraged to contact MFRC, MFS service provider, FIL or CAFKIDS to explore further.
 

Self-Reflection Prompts	HEALTHY	UNHEALTHY
Equality and teamwork to me looks like….	Equality and teamwork look like us making major decisions together.	Equality and teamwork look like I am the financial provider so I should make all the major decisions without any input from my partner.
Feeling appreciated to me looks like….	I feel appreciated when my partner listens to me and acknowledges how I feel, as I do the same for them.	I feel appreciated when my partner obeys me and does not question my authority.
Boundaries that help me balance my relationship with my commitment to the CAF or CAF lifestyle are…	When I am home, I make efforts to be present with my family.	Never switch off from work mode and expect my partner to be alright that I rarely prioritize them.
Repair after conflict to me looks like…	I give my partner space to cool off and process the conflict.	We continue escalating the conflict.
Maintaining connection during periods of high operational stress and transition to me looks like…	I feel connected with my partner when they check in with me at agreed upon times.	I feel disconnected from my partner when I am ignored by them or my feelings are minimized.
My expectations around sharing culture and traditions are…	We both agree on what traditions are important for us and make an effort to celebrate them.	I restrict or control my partner's cultural practices or family traditions.
My communication expectations during periods of living apart are…	I understand and will prepare healthy ways to manage periods apart when communication is not possible, including seeking support from my friends, family or community support.	I expect continuous contact and deny any impact that living apart has on me.
My expectations around blended families are…	We celebrate and embrace the diversity in our family.	We emphasize and pick at differences when things aren’t going well.

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