| HEALTHY | STRESSED | UNHEALTHY | ABUSIVE |
How does the
relationship feel? | Secure
Safe
Comfortable | Unsettled
Uncertain | Insecure
Hyper-vigilant | Unsafe
Fearful |
How do we talk to
each other? | Respectfully
Active listening | Ignoring opinions
Cold or distant | Harsh comments
Mocking
Isolating or avoiding
Disrespectfully | Intimidating
Belittling
Name-calling |
How do we treat
each other? | Encouraging
Caring for self
Supporting dreams | Ignoring
Discouraging | Demeaning
Controlling
Rejecting | Manipulating
Hurtful
Ridiculing |
How are we intimate
with each other? | Consensual
Mutual fulfillment
No pressure | No clear consent
Passive manipulating | Guilt
Coercion
Degrading and shame | Nonconsensual Violence and force |
| How is our social life and network? | Network of friends
and family
Pursuing own interests
| Tense with friends and family
Withdrawing from social situations
Questioning whereabouts
| Friends and family are concerned
Avoiding social interactions
Isolating from friends
Surveilling (social media, in-person)
| Preventing social engagements
Family and friends feel unsafe
|
| How does our family get along? | Secure attachment
Involvement in each
other’s lives
Strong and clear
boundaries | Limited engagement and time for family
Inconsistent parenting | Tension
Comparing and criticizing children
Uninvolved in each other’s lives | Scolding and intimidation
Harsh verbal punishment
Physical punishment
|
How do we handle
money issues? | Sharing financial resources and decisions
Transparency | One-sided financial decisions and spending
Scrutinizing spending | Restricting spending
Limiting/not sharing financial information | Moving money to prevent access
Blocking access |
How do we
show anger? | Talking out problems
Taking a break | Yelling
Silent treatment | Indirect violence (breaking things, destroying property, slamming doors)
Threatening violence (property, pets) | Direct violence (shoving, grabbing, shaking, hitting)
Harming pets |
