Safety and Integrity: Two Powerful Sources of Conflict

by Andrea Liss

Looking for a little advice about your relationship? Perhaps you have questions about parenting in Europe? Ask Andrea! Our social worker, Andrea Liss will pick one question a month and answer it in our mid-month bulletin. You can submit your questions anonymously to her at https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME.

Hello OUTCAN!
Some of you will have just experienced your first OUTCAN winter after having settled the practical aspects of your move. Others will be in the middle phase of OUTCAN which has all the usual mundanities of life, work, and parenting while also being peppered with the perks of being OUTCAN. For the rest, it is transition time and readying for Canada after a hiatus. Goodbyes, squeezing in last excursions, and reviewing your OUTCAN experiences are in play. Whatever stage of OUTCAN you are in, the richness of life is unfolding and intensity always finds its way into the fold. Speaking of intensity, let’s talk about conflict!

There are only two sources of conflict. Yes, just two! Resolving conflict has already become a lot easier for you because you now know that there are only two possible hot spots that can arise. Next time you are in conflict, test out this hypothesis: at the root of all conflict is either a threat to safety or a threat to integrity. Let’s start by defining what is meant by safety and what is meant by integrity.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines safety as the following: “The condition of being protected from or unlikely to cause danger, risk or injury”. When our kids go out for the night, we will sometimes say “Be safe” and by this we are usually wishing our child well and that no harm will come to them. By definition, this also means beseeching our child to refrain from actions that would cause harm to others. We easily say “Safe travels” to those leaving us from a visit and by this we mean “I hope no harm comes to you” on the drive home. Wishing someone a safe journey is pretty standard. Things get a bit more complicated when one person sees a situation as potentially dangerous while the other does not. Let's look at some examples.

1. It's winter 2022 and mask wearing is required in the workplace. Sita has the sensation that she can’t breathe while wearing a mask indoors and removes it while in her office that she shares with George. George does not want to get sick. Because George does not want injury to befall him in the form of possibly being infected with COVID, he and Sita will be in conflict because there is no congruence between the two on risks associated with COVID. George’s safety schema will now become activated.
2. It’s winter 2022 and mask wearing is required in the workplace. Sita has the sensation that she can’t breathe while wearing a mask. George wears his mask and does not experience trouble breathing. For Sita, not wearing a mask is a safety issue because wearing a mask puts her breathing at risk. Sita’s safety schema will be activated if mask wearing is enforced.

Now, let’s look at integrity. The Oxford English Dictionary defines integrity as: “The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.” Integrity is our sense of doing the right thing in the right moment. Personal integrity is an important compass for us when we don’t know what direction to take. Have a look at the following examples.

1. It’s winter 2022 and mask wearing is required in the workplace. Sita has the sensation that she can’t breathe while wearing a mask indoors. Sita works with George who is a rule follower. Because Sita is not following the rules and George values rule following, George’s integrity schema will be activated.
2. It’s winter 2022 and mask wearing is required in the workplace. Sita has the sensation that she can’t breathe while wearing a mask indoors and so takes it off in her office she shares with George. George tells Sita that she is a wimp for not being able to hack wearing a mask. Being called a wimp by a close co-worker activates Sita’s integrity schema as it calls into question her worth. There is now opportunity for conflict as Sita’s integrity schema has been activated.

Here are a few more examples. Mary wants to go to her boyfriend’s hockey game that starts at 2030 the night before an exam and mom says no. Mary is a teenager and loses her temper because this is the most important thing in the world at this moment. Her goal of seeing her boyfriend is being blocked. Meanwhile, mom knows her daughter has to get a good night’s sleep so she can be at her best the next day. Mom is coming at things from a safety perspective because she sees that a late night will put her daughter’s test performance at risk. Another priority for mom is to have Mary follow through on her commitments to her overall wellbeing, which includes prioritizing school at exam time. This is an integrity issue.

1. Fazel doesn’t like Kimmy’s driving because they have had a few close calls (safety). Fazel puts his foot down and insists on driving until Kimmy take responsibility for her careless driving.
2. Sandra has been shopping online and Karen is worried (safety) about whether they have enough money to pay the visa bill. Sandra continues to shop despite being told the money is running low.
3. Jessie has taken her brother’s good paints one too many times and mom demands that Jessie apologize (integrity) to her brother and buy him a new set. Jessie refuses and so mom banishes her from the family room until Jessie decides she can apologize.
4. Bill doesn’t understand why his trans co-worker is asking to be referred to as “they.” This is seen as an integrity issue for Casey as calling them “they” is their personal preference.

You may be wondering what to do next? The first steps at improving our capacity for managing conflict is to be able to delineate a safety issue from an integrity issue and to attribute the issue to either self or other. Is this a “me” safety or integrity issue or a “them” safety or integrity issue? The higher the stakes, the less congruence (similarity) between people. If you have a high need for congruence with others there will be a greater chance of conflict. Getting this right is a huge step forward because it allows us to better understand what is of importance to ourselves and to the other. Once what is important is silently acknowledged by just one in the dyad, conflict can start the process of moving from its peak to its passing. Remember, people always have very good reasons for why something is important to them. It may not be your very good reason, but there is a very good reason there nonetheless.

If you would like to pose a question for the Ask Andrea column, please send your anonymous question to https://bit.ly/MFSEAndreaSFME and Andrea will do her best to share some of her ideas.

Support is also available in your OUTCAN area. If you or your family would benefit from speaking with a social worker during your OUTCAN posting, we encourage you to contact your regional CFMWS Social Worker:

USA: Marion Hall — hall.marion@cfmws.com
Europe: MFSSocialwork@cfmws.com
Global / Rest of World: Andrea Liss — liss.andrea@cfmws.com

Andrea holds a master’s degree in Social Work and is a Registered Social Worker (Ontario) with over 20 years of experience. She is the MFS OUTCAN Rest of World Social Worker, supporting CAF families navigating life abroad. If you’re a CAF family member and would like to connect with Andrea one‑on‑one or join the OUTCAN spousal support group she facilitates, you’re welcome to reach out by email at liss.andrea@cfmws.com.